Whose Farts Smell Worse?: the meat or beans dilemma

darth fart

Recently, I began a new diet aimed at eating healthier, omega-3 rich “superfoods” (to see how awesome the anti-inflammatory diet is, see my post here)  I’m proud to say that the diet seems to have given me more energy and has definitely toned down this year’s winter weight gain.

But have we ever considered a diet aimed at- to put it politely- healthier smelling emissions?

The question first came to me after learning that my cousin had recently gone the way of a weird vegan-vegetarian hybrid.  As an obsessive foodie, I cannot myself imagine giving up all the deliciously unhealthy animal products out there (Giada de Laurentiis’ bacon-wrapped pork roast, anyone?).  To me, most of the marketed “vegan-food” out there either tastes or looks like cardboard, or is hypocritically impossible as an animal-free product.  I’m sorry, but true vegans should not be eating “ice cream” and “sausage.”  Don’t even get me started on the honey issue.

Nevertheless, I was curious about her new lifestyle.  I had heard about recently christened vegetarians getting “the meat sweats”- like a heroine addict going through withdrawal.  Apparently, that’s just an urban myth.  However, she did say that her un-ladylike moments were smoother and fresher smelling then when she used to eat meat, and that after a while, even the thought of ingesting it would make her sick.

I can’t say I’d ever be disciplined enough to test her theory on myself; however, I must admit that my boyfriend, who eats a substantially larger amount of animal products and fast or processed foods than me, certainly seems to support this logic.  His butt-bombs sometimes have me worried about his intestinal health.

But how could I truly see whether meat or veggies creates a better smelling fart without having to gross myself out?

Lucky for me, you can find almost anything you need on the internet, even experiments on fart-smelling.  In “Whose Farts Smell Worse: carnivores or herbivores?” from Vice magazine, written by Anita Crapper (I-need-a Crapper), which I sincerely pray is a sophomoric attempt at humor and not some unfortunate girl’s real name, a male model in the UK was payed to sniff at two porn stars’ intestinal emissions and rate which one smelled worse.

Payed to sniff farts.  Really.

I guess male modeling jobs are in short supply across the pond.

During the course of the experiment, the discerning man was blindfolded and smelled each girl’s farts twice, once with and once without pants.  In both categories, the vegetarian won out as being the “nicer” smell.  In fact, he maintained that the veggie ones “might not have been farts at all.  It could have been what I described it as—autumn leaves. It could have been a scented candle.  Like I say, neither were unpleasant but the meat ones were a… less nice smell.”

As an added bonus, when the ladies were asked to provide more “solid” proof that one diet was better than the other, the vegetarian produced a pale, almost non-smelling little piece of evidence, while the meat eater found herself unable to contribute.  Perhaps a greater validation of a vegetarian’s healthier digestive system?

I suppose I was somewhat surprised by the results.  Sure, a diet rich in Taco Bell and chicken-fried steak is going to give anyone a serious case of backed-up tailpipe.  But without any meat at all, healthy, balanced vegetarians are forced to eat things like broccoli, bean sprouts, and lots and lots of that musical fruit, canned beans.  So who’s diet wins the digestive battle?

The world may (thankfully) never know.

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